Somewhere over the rainbow...

That is where I would sometimes would like to be… with the rush and the worries of a daily life… the scars of being a grown up in search of success and a sense of belonging… it comes a point… or a few way too many times where you don’t find your place, where life is just not as you expected it to be… where you analyze yourself and review the goal points you had planned to reached by now and find a full huge box with pending stuff to achieve… and yet a quite too small satisfaction paper on the scene.

I know I am quite a big thing… I have always been very tough and judgmental on myself and just sometimes feel that I always come too short … and hope… hope… that cute soft cloud above my reason where you can find rest to start again… has turned too foggy in times …

I have lately been dragged by life to be more mature, and see the real thing…

I broke up with the love of my life and just went to my comfortable denying place where I would pour all I would feel into my job… my job… that flirtatious vice I so easily fall into and seek for companionship when alone… aaaand… that superficial balance found has collapsed causing me to get real, to feel, to think, to analyze, to experience…  to be…

I got pretty angry when I realized my boss would fire me out of envy and a sense of eliminating competition… and budget  issues related too…which quite honestly is pretty lame and unfair… but… after being angry I got sad… pretty sad… all my comfort zone had been gone and I got all exposed to the radiation of people, experiences, memories, broken promises… broken dreams… and when I got there…

I normally tend to isolate, to deal with stuff on my own and be “cool” you know… but I just couldn’t… it was impossible for me anymore… I had hold it up for so long and my wound had gotten so exposed that I just  couldn’t pretend anymore….

And just then… when I couldn’t anymore and just let myself go… I found a special bright place… so colorful… so bright… rainbowy like… I found God … not He talking to me on a dream or so… just His care through His amazing people… My friends and family… I just can´t thank them enough… I learned things about myself through them that have made my satisfaction bunch of paper grow higher and they have helped me seen that although I have maybe not bought a bigger house, speak 5 languages or owe my own coffee shop… I saw that I am not that bad of a human asset for this world… I see their care and their words on me, on how I´ve been there for them or how I smile and bright up a room and how they know I´ll be there for them that just warmed my heart and made me see a bit more of the real me… the one who remains good friend of his ex boyfriend and where we both care for each other, where my friends have been sharing tons of hope thoughts to me, who have been helping me look for a job and who keep an eye on me… making sure I don’t lock myself into isolation again… and my mood, those friends who would stay around even when I get cranky and who join me for some mezcales to let it all loose some perspective into some fun pink neon straw. I love my friends and what they do to my life, I love how they see me because just the is when I realize what things are really important and worth loose your sleep to, and what others are to let go and move on… how there is always calm after the storm and how much I cherish each of their lives into mine because they have just made it richer and they ease my life.

My parents who have always been right next to me… who let me fall and hard to see me stand up higher and stronger, who take a step aside to help me have a criteria on my own and who have given me all their weapons to fight life such as their  life experience, advices, values, hope, principles, will…

And my brother whose life has challenged me to never give up, to shine, to provide example, to do, to conquer, to try, to ease his life, to show him through my mistakes, to share my hopes, and experience, to defend with my nails and teeth to be the older sister he needs…

I honestly would rather not have to make my people experience the “ugly” steph… But thank you for making me feel so hugged and backed up…

I am really really lucky J

Don’t take anyone for granted, they could use some kind nice warm words to build their rainbow ;)